New legislation states ‘no boarding a plane unless you’re shitting yourself’

Under new government guidelines to counter terrorism, new laws were passed yesterday to make sure that nobody can set foot aboard an international flight unless they are deemed by airport officials to be ‘fearing for their life’.

Speaking at a press conference last night home secretary Alan Johnson said ‘our research has shown that the terrorists really like blowing up planes and dying, so the only way that we can be absolutely sure that everybody on board is not intent on blowing up the plane is if they look like their shitting themselves that someone else might blow up the plane’.

He revealed that all passengers are to undergo a series of tests in which they are asked questions such as ‘do you want to see your family again?’, and are judged on their reaction times when somebody shouts ‘look a terrorist!’ Failure to ‘shit oneself’ within a specified period will result in a full body cavity search and a pair of orange overalls.


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Posted: Apr 30th, 2010 by

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