Latest Home Office figures suggest that Britain is populated entirely by stereotypes. ‘Everyone has managed to tick some boxes,’ said a spokesman, ‘even the illiterate – though they tended to put a badly-scrawled cross.’
Posted: Apr 26th, 2010
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A 76-rule code of conduct for ITV1’s Britain’s Got Talent will outlaw the audience from clapping, booing, whistling or whooping. ‘The new rules are very clear,’ said programme creator, Simon Cowell, ‘the audience will sit quietly and listen to the acts with the solemn reverence that they deserve. Even if it is a dancing dog.’
The 76 rules have been agreed following months of tense negotiations between programme executives, performers and judges.
Other rules include a strict limit to the number of reaction shots of Amanda Holden gawping inanely, Simon Cowell leaning backwards like a businessman expecting a lap dance and no more than three shots of Piers Morgan looking like Piers Morgan.
Posted: Apr 25th, 2010
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The government is planning to lower the age of criminal responsibility to two after a toddler launched a violent attack on his sister with a strawberry blancmange. ‘The whole nation will be horrified at this shocking crime,’ said Home Secretary, Alan Johnson, ‘It is pure evil.’
Posted: Apr 25th, 2010
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In a surprise move the Conservative Party has called on Joe the Plumber, hero of the 2008 US presidential election campaign, to help them repair Britain’s broken society. ‘It is only by supporting small businesses like Joe’s that we will kick-start the economic recovery,’ said David Cameron, ‘and I can’t think of anyone better qualified to help when this country is up its neck in Brown.’
Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, who was recruited by the Republicans after challenging Barack Obama on his tax plans during the 2008 campaign, admitted having to think long and hard before agreeing to enter frontline British politics. ‘I’ve had a good look round,’ he said, sighing and shaking his head. ‘Looks like you’ve had some real cowboys in here. It’s gonna be a big job to sort all this out, and I can’t start before next week.’
Posted: Apr 24th, 2010
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The world of science has been stunned today after NASA published detailed images of the inside of the Sun revealing a monumentally large hamster running in a wheel.
Posted: Apr 24th, 2010
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