Osama bin Laden today spoke out against what he called ‘the West’s evil, unremitting campaign of persecution’ waged by local party activists determined to secure his support in Thursday’s general election.
‘If it’s not the Tories, it’s Labour or the Liberal Democrats,’ fumed the al-Qaeda leader today. ‘All day every day I’m up and down to the cave door like a bloody yo-yo. I moved out here for a quiet life, you know, but every two minutes it’s ‘Can we count on your vote on Thursday, Mr bin Laden?’ Don’t tell me none of them saw my sign saying no door-to-door callers, free newspapers or intelligence agents.’
Bin Laden has been a resident for many years in the key marginal of Waziristan, traditionally an unsafe seat for all the main parties. But with the polls predicting a hung Parliament, party campaigners are out fighting for every last vote. ‘You can tell them a mile off with their clipboards and choreographed grins,’ said bin Laden. ‘They’re like zealots, their eyes lit with the fires of righteousness as they pound the mountainsides in the name of their one true cause. It’s worrying, there’s no telling what lengths some of these nutters might go to just to get their twisted message across.’
Aside from the endless procession of canvassers calling at the cave, bin Laden is also annoyed that the local terrorist training camp will be closed on Thursday to be used as a polling station. ‘Do these people think we can afford to lose a day’s work in the current economic climate? That said, I’ve always been more of a postal vote man myself. But none of this would be so bad if they actually did anything about the real problems facing us today,’ he continued. ‘Public transport round here is a joke and a fortnightly recycling collection was never designed to cope with this amount of leaflets.’
But it is the promise of change from some of the main political parties which has grated most with the al-Qaeda leader. ‘I’ll tell you what would make a change,’ said bin Laden, whose relatives have close ties to the Saudi Royal family. ‘Half an hour’s peace and quiet to put my feet up, have a cup of tea and maybe do the crossword in the Telegraph. I’m a Tory, of course. I really like their policies on inheritance tax.’