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Election decided on penalties

Back of the net!  If that's OK with you, Nick?With political stalemate gripping Westminster it was agreed yesterday that the outcome of the 2010 British General Election be decided by a penalty shoot-out.  Urgent talks immediately got underway to establish the ground rules with Labour reluctant to agree to the Tories suggestion of putting Hazel Blears in goal.  Cameron meanwhile was keen to carry the ball over the line ‘like I used to in rugger’.  In the end five spot kicks each were allowed (with only two for the Liberals) after a short delay in which Nigel Farage crashed his plane into the centre circle.

Goals were scored by Alan Johnson and William Hague, but kicks by George Osbourne and Harriet Harman were not strong enough for the ball to reach the goal line. In the end the Conservatives won in sudden death after Gordon Brown blasted dramatically wide of the goal, even though the Conservatives had forgotten to put up a goalie.

It marks an extra-ordinary end to the general election which saw all sorts of offers and counter deals suggested before the football solution was settled upon.  Clegg had said he might be persuaded by a 60 inch plasma TV, after Cameron had offered him a genuine Cabinet post in the position of ‘fag’.

Elsewhere in the election aftermath Esther Rantzen lashed out at voters in Luton, after the thousandth person said ‘Oh well Esther – that’s life!’ and Jacqui Smith has announced she is going to start a new career as a porn star in the hope that her husband might see a bit more of her.

De Acuerdo (Kevin Satre)

incorporating lines from

AdrianJ, ianslat, & Skylarking

7th May 2010

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Posted: May 7th, 2010 by Guest

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