The Labour Party has announced that its forthcoming leadership contest is to be decided not by the usual complex electoral college, involving party membership, trade unions, and the parliamentary party, but by 76-year-old Marion Miliband, whose sons Ed and David are the only declared candidates.
Mrs Miliband is said to be ‘unhappy’ with her sons’ inability to cooperate. ‘They’ve always been the same, ever since they were little boys,’ she said. ‘David got a bike when he was five, so Ed had to have the Department of Energy and Climate Change. Ed went on a school trip to Boulogne, so David had to become Foreign Secretary. I’ve told them, if they can’t share Labour nicely then nobody should have it – unless they can split the party in two, then they could have a bit each and everybody would be happy.’
Mrs Miliband admitted that she just wished Ed and David would play together nicely, ‘just like their friends down the road – those lovely little boys David and Nick. They’ve been playing some silly little game together for a week now, good as gold. Ever so sweet they are – their mother must have done something right.’