An Oil of Olay spokesman said: ‘We are working hard with the local authorities to clear up the spill; however on the plus side, the local marine inhabitants are looking better than ever, especially in the hard to reach areas around the eyes, gills and behind the fins.’
Indeed, independent local wildlife experts have come out to agree that the fish stocks are looking especially lovely today. Local activist Franco De Soca said ‘I found a bunch of fish washed up on the beach this morning. I’ve never seen anything like it. They were covered in a shiny, radiant glow, like the kind of fish you see in the movies.’
Greenpeace came out to condemn the spill. A spokeswoman earlier announced they were ‘very jealous’ of the newly beautified fish. ‘Greenpeace has always been committed to fighting the damaging effects of man on ocean wildlife. However we have to admit that if these fish look this good, they must be feeling good too.’
The ship, bound for Naples, experienced sonar failure before hitting a reef, rupturing the hull and creating a slick seven miles long in the Straits of Messina. The clean-up operation is currently being stalled by workers, all of whom are male, refusing to go near the moisturiser-rich seawater solution. ‘That stuff’s for girls, I wouldn’t touch it,’ a local union chief announced. ‘I can’t submit my proud workers to such dangerous conditions. Roberto went down to the beach and came back with dainty hands. It’s horrific.’
Brand owner Proctor & Gamble will however need all the cream they can get, as many corporate brows are sure to be furrowed and new wrinkles creased when they receive the bill for the clearing up, with Messina Mayor Giuseppe Buzzanca angrily stating ‘this is one blemish they can’t make disappear overnight.’
At the time of going to press, all the fish could be seen floating upside-down on the surface of the slick, presumably sunbathing, enjoying the UV protection found in the UK’s favourite regenerating skin care product.