Share prices in technology players tumbled last night as a shock report announced that, ‘when all is said and done, computers are a bit rubbish.’ The report’s author, John Edwards of Xerox’s Palo Alto research centre stated: ‘It just came to me in a blinding flash – these machines just aren’t all that.’
‘When you sit down and think about it, it’s kind of obvious: they cost a fortune, never do quite what you want them to and they devour whole chunks of your life that you could devote to other things. I’m mystified as to why they are so popular.’ The theme of the report was rapidly picked up across the world, with the New York Times claiming it was ‘our generation’s E=mc² moment’.
‘The scales have fallen from our eyes’, it said in an editorial; ‘never before have so many laboured under such a misapprehension – our days used to be filled with walks in the park, reading books by the banks of a river and long conversations with close friends. Now every social interaction is punctuated by someone pulling out an iPhone, or tweeting a text to someone else.’
Despite the untold benefits of the digital age in everyday arenas such as theoretical astronomy and quantum physics, commentators said that they felt the report was overdue. TRS Haighty, of the Blog InformationSpaceAge noted that apart from pornography, which the internet ‘truly revolutionised’, there’s not really been any significant stride forward in computing since 1990. ‘But on the other hand, the porn really is amazing’.