CAMRAP, the pressure group dedicated to the preservation and promotion of Britain’s traditional sugary alcopops, has publicly hit out against what it sees as the increasing ‘beerification’ of the nation’s pubs and bars.
The Basildon-based consumer organisation claims that the growing trend of cask ales, comfortable chairs and low-volume jukeboxes loaded with album-orientated rock is killing the traditional loud, neon day-glo ambience of the average local. CAMRAP also singles out the rising number of avuncular landlords for displacing the nation’s surly, pimpled barmen, traditional vendors of bright orange and mauve alcoholic drinks.
‘All you can buy is this horrible brown sludge – Speckled this, Old Peculier that – have you tried it? Look behind a bar nowadays and you’ll see very little in the way of lurid-coloured liquors with the appearance, and indeed taste, of antifreeze that we’ve all been brought up on.’ complained CAMRAP chairman Gary Andrews, 15.
CAMRAP have also blasted the shift in the pub-going demographic, blaming the unruly ‘plague’ of drinkers over thirty for intimidating legitimate customers into pestering local off-licence staff instead of brazening their way into pubs and drinking illegally in large groups. ‘It’s becoming increasingly difficult to get absolutely wasted and start a fight over someone else’s girlfriend, what with all these folk evenings and quiz nights. Who cares what month the battle of Agincourt was, or who sang Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep? People don’t go to pubs to be educated you know – that’s why we’re s’posed to go to school.’
Andrews also singles out off-licences for the demise in alcopops. ‘Offies must also share the blame: me and my mates went to buy some bottles of Fireball XL5 Vodka Shotz the other day, only to be told that they’d only sell it to a responsible adult! Well it’s a sad day for traditional British drinkers if they have to ask their dad to buy their alcohol for them – especially if their dad happens to be playing bar billiards at the Rose & Crown and has turned his non-touch-screen mobile off – luddite bastard.’