Stock markets around the world have been sent crashing today following the news that Bono’s back surgery will keep him out of action for up to six weeks. ‘Everyone knows that Bono tells virtually every government in the world what to do’ explained the BBC’s Robert Peston. ‘If he’s out of action no-one will have a clue what they should be doing. The entire global economy could go to rack and ruin.’
Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that Tuesday’s Queen’s speech was almost cancelled following the news. ‘Fortunately we’d sought Bono’s opinion on most of the proposed bills already, and Bob Geldof was available for a bit of last minute fine-tuning’.
However, Barack Obama wasn’t so fortunate, as the flustered US President struggled to answer questions about how the US would be responding to North Korea’s sinking of a South Korean warship. ‘I don’t bloody know! Haven’t you heard – Bono’s in hospital!’ he shouted at journalists before hurling his ‘What Would Bono Do?’ wristband at the crowd and storming out of the press conference in tears.
As the crisis deepens reports have begun to emerge of desperate world leaders including Iranian President Ahmadinejad, Fabio Capello and The Pope being turned away from the Munich hospital where Bono is being treated. ‘I only wanted a few minutes with Him to ask how we can regain public trust after the paedophilia scandal’ grumbled a disconsolate Pontiff.
German Chancellor Angela Merkel even had to be forcibly ejected from the hospital having been found at Bono’s bedside demanding advice about the EU’s bail-out of the Greek economy. Further protests are now expected on the streets of Athens later today as a result following Merkel’s admission that she is now in two minds about the recovery package. ‘I might have to ask Sarkozy and Berlusconi for their opinions now’ she admitted.
However, a temporary solution the the global crisis may soon be found, as former X Factor winner Shane Ward declared himself available. ‘I’m not doing much at the moment’ he said.