NewsBiscuit

Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been unceremoniously gonged off while attempting to consummate his marriage to long term girlfriend Celia Walden. A trio of celebrity judges considered Morgan’s performance to be ‘self-congratulatory’, ‘self-satisfied’ and ‘too smarmy by half’ and he was dragged off before he could finish.

According to one onlooker Daily Telegraph columnist Walden remained conscious and composed throughout. ‘I suppose she‘s used to it by now,’ he says, ‘but it was like she’d been attacked by that green thing off Ghostbusters.’

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2010
More from Arts/Entertainment

ASDA, Netto and Lidl have today agreed to long standing demands to insert contraceptives medicines into all their own-brand produce, in a last ditch attempt to protect the country’s gene pool.

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2010
More from News In Brief

Joke tellers across Britain are in crisis today as Patrick ‘Paddy’ O’Shaughnessy, the protagonist in thousands of inept Irishman jokes and one-third of comedy trio ‘an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman’, sensationally announced that he is quitting the jokes business.

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Posted: Jun 30th, 2010
More from News In Brief

Faced with dwindling public awareness, the Sealed Knot, Britain’s largest historic battle re-enactment society, has decided to expand its repertoire from the battles of the English Civil War to more recent conflicts that have taken place in pub car parks across the land.

‘Edgehill and Naseby don’t mean much to the younger generation,’ said Sealed Knot president John Rawton. ‘So from now on, our musterings will take place at Wetherspoons pubs where notable scraps have taken place in the previous months.’

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2010
More from UK News

Fears of a schism within the Anglican Communion have been raised after senior clergymen failed to reconcile differences between ‘leg’ and ‘breast’ men during a recent meeting of the General Synod.

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Posted: Jun 29th, 2010
More from News In Brief