The government have announced that all schools judged ‘outstanding’ by Ofsted will be given the opportunity to apply for ninja academy status.
‘For too long our schools have been shackled by red tape and bureaucracy that inhibits them from teaching our children how to become highly trained killing machines,’ said Education Secretary Michael Gove, ‘these academies will be able to set their own curriculum and focus on the core learning goals of espionage, sabotage, infiltration and assassination.’
It is hoped that the academies will help to redress the ‘skills shortage’ in the British economy which is heavily reliant on migrant ninjas coming in from abroad to fill vancancies with their shadowy presence.
However, the plans have been criticised by teaching unions. ‘These academies sound good in theory,’ said Chris Keates, general secretary of the NASUWT, ‘but have you ever tried teaching ninjas? Most of the time you have no idea where they are hiding; then, the minute you turn your back, they are leaping out at you wielding knives. Quite honestly, we get enough of that already.’