Benson & Hedges launch ‘the cigarette’

Hailed as the best hope yet of helping people overcome their addiction to nicotine, Benson & Hedges have announced the launch of their innovative ‘cigarette’, a device that is set to replace patches and those silly plastic tubes you can use on aeroplanes.

The new gizmo consists of a column of tobacco laced with various carcinogens, bound by paper and sealed at one end by a protective filter. Users simply pop the cigarette into their ‘mouths’, light it with a ‘match’ and inhale the heady mixture of smoke and carbon monoxide into their so-called ‘lungs’.

Clinical trials of the cigarette have produced amazing results. ‘Unlike patches, I can dangle it casually from my mouth whilst operating a power tool,’ said Jez Stevens of Portsmouth, ‘I look and feel sexy and I now have something to do with my hands when talking to people other than absent-mindedly prodding my ball bag.’

Meanwhile, housewife Valerie Johnson wanted to thank Benson & Hedges from the bottom of her still-beating heart: ‘for the first time in years I have had real difficulty climbing the stairs. When I eventually reached the top, I succumbed to a near-fatal asthma attack. It’s really given me my old life back.’

The ‘cigarette’ is now available in the shops. Just ask your pharmacist.

Gary Stanton

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Posted: Jun 4th, 2010 by

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