RyanAir has announced a new service charge for customers that will give passengers the option of paying “a small administration fee” to not be repeatedly struck on the head by truncheon-wielding cabin crew for the duration of their flight.
Michael O’Leary described the move as opening up a major stream of new revenue by charging customers not only for basic services they want, but also for ‘a potentially infinite’ number of things they don’t. Later in the year the airline is planning to introduce a £5 opt-out option for passengers who’d rather remove their own fingernails, instead of having the check-in girl do it, and a £50 surcharge for choosing a seat not next to a man with a loud hailer shouting “HOLY CHRIST WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!” during take-off, landing and any in-flight turbulence.
While the airline is predicting that the charges will attract customers demanding a service that is not actively tortuous, industry analysts are doubtful over its impact, claiming anyone still booking flights with the company is “clearly a fucking masochist already”.