England’s unofficial press secretary Alistair Campbell gave his first briefing to the world’s sports writers last night, and immediately went on the attack against the allegations of mishandling and fumbling.
‘Robert Green is the best keeper in the world,’ said Campbell ‘and England won the game but a conspiracy of right wing newspapers, Sky and BBC has deliberately misrepresented the facts. Anyone care to step outside to discuss it any futher?’
Campbell’s version was immediately attacked by Stephen Spielberg, who is shortly to begin filming the Hollywood remake of the game.
Provisionally titled ‘5-2: An American Soccer Odyssey’, the comedy-drama will explore how a group of plucky American college kids overcome the might of the British empire, despite being sabotaged by the villainous Irish-born coach, Fab O’Capello, who is to be played by Jeremy Irons.