The grilling of Tony Hayward by a Congressional Committee is only the first humiliation that the BP boss will suffer following the announcement that he is to have his arse kicked by President Obama live on prime time TV. BP’s top management team were called to White House earlier this week to discuss the crisis situation which had left the President’s party in danger of losing ground in the forthcoming mid term elections.
Although BP swiftly agreed to suspend dividend payments and to contribute $20 billion to compensate victims of the pollution from their out of control deepwater oil well, the question of public retribution took several more gruelling hours painstaking negotiation before Obama’s team emerged triumphantly announcing that Tony Hayward would be kicked in the rear by the most powerful man in the world.
‘Obama was desperate to show the voters how mad he really was,’ said an insider ‘he kept muttering he had to be seen ‘kicking ass’ when suddenly he said ‘that’s it!’’
Once the general principle had been accepted, there was heated debate over the details. One major sticking point was over the length of run up that the President would be allowed to take before booting the hapless Hayward. Well aware of Mr Obama’s athleticism, BP resisted American demands for a twenty yard run up, eventually settling for five yards with Mr Obama wearing Nike trainers with the sponsorship money going to a Louisiana Seabird rescue centre.
After the President has landed his size elevens on Tony Hayward’s butt, a succession of vengeful politicians from Louisiana, Alabama and Florida will form an orderly queue and be allowed to poke Hayward in the eye and knee him in the groin.
Within hours of the announcement, Mr Obama’s personal popularity rating had risen to record levels. Americans remain furious with BP at the oil spill, and are expected to watch the show in their millions. ‘Who is it who uses all this oil anyway,’ said one Washington insider as he drove his SUV back from the airport after another short haul internal flight.