Details have emerged from the budget for plans to train ‘dole-scroungers’ in the arts of bushcraft. The scheme, hidden within the reduced budget for the SureStart programme, will see ‘sofa-huggers’ cast out into the countrified areas of Britain in search of a decent meal.
Under the scheme poor people will be bussed from areas which are about to become much more deprived into the green areas of Britain and will there be taught everything they need to know to conjure up the perfect meal for a family living in a tenement. ‘We’ll start them off by dragging a pot noodle through the undergrowth and letting them pick up the scent and chase it,’ said Lord Perigrine B’lather.
‘It will set the process off and from there they’ll graduate to rabbits, fish, even deer, and ultimately a greater feeling of self-esteem and a desire to contribute to the wider, smaller, bigger, slimmer, exclusive, inclusive society that we have in mind,’ said his lordship, adding; ‘Although if they try it on my land; ‘I’ll shoot their bloody balls orf.’