The Lord God Almighty and Satan, Prince of Darkness, have ruled out getting back together again, after enjoying wildly successful solo careers. God, relaxing in the Italian resort of Lake Como told reporters that it was extremely unlikely he would welcome Beelzebub back into the fold. ‘I know a lot of people would love to see it,’ says the Lord, ‘and the money’s on the table. But to be honest I’m not sure the old magic would still be there. I honestly don’t think we could bear to be in the same room together, it wouldn’t be fair on everyone else, and the tension would be unbearable.’
Nevertheless, some devout Christians believe that reconciliation can never be ruled out. ‘Just think about all the needless suffering that it would end?’ says Mandy Putney, a born again Christian from Wisconsin. ‘I can’t say I’m a fan of anything Lucifer has done since leaving Heaven, but in his day he was the most beautiful of all the angels, and it would be a real thrill to see him back up there fronting things.’
Others are more sceptical. ‘I can’t see Lucifer wanting to get back into that whole happy clappy praise-be scene again,’ says weekend Satanist, Derek Clark from Basildon. ‘He’s gone a much darker route with all the dressing in red and black leather, the lake of fire and damnation stuff. I just can’t picture him doing Kumbaya after all these years; it would be a step back.’
God and Satan acrimoniously split nearly five billion years ago, citing ‘creative differences’. ‘I just felt he was pushing us in a direction that was, for the sake of a better word, evil,’ God has said in the past.
Satan has largely refused to discuss the split. In a 2006 interview with Rolling Stone magazine he did say he felt ‘let down’ by God.
‘I speak my mind, one time, and next thing I know I’m toppling into the abyss,’ argues the Dark Angel, ‘What about all this forgiveness, He’s always going on about? If I’m honest, which I rarely am, I didn’t walk; I was pushed. Maybe He did us both a massive favour, because you know He’s got his style and I’ve got mine and there were just too many things we didn’t agree on – Free Will, the platypus etc – and y’know I’ll admit I was doing a lot of brimstone at the time.’ With both parties blaming each other for the break-up it doesn’t look likely a reunion will take place anytime soon.
In Biblical times, God and Satan featured regularly in the media and became famous for their punch-ups, wild lifestyles and public feuds with other religious figures, particularly Buddha, whom Satan once famously referred to as ‘that fat chancer from Asia.’