The Supreme Being says that he wants to set the record straight once and for all over His infamous appearance in Michelangelo’s picture ‘The Creation of Adam’. The flamboyant, but controversial Deity is said to be unhappy with how the fresco, one of the world’s most recognisable works of art, depicts Him.
‘For a start,’ says The Almighty, ‘I’m shown as an elderly bearded man wrapped in a swirling cloak. Whereas anyone who knows me, knows I’m an attractive young blonde woman in her mid-twenties, like Scarlett Johansson but less retarded looking. ‘I don’t want to appear vain or anything, but for some reason the old codger image has sort of stuck and now everyone thinks I look like an ageing Vangelis.’
Michelangelo’s painting shows God’s right arm outstretched to impart the spark of life from his own finger into that of Adam, who is pictured naked and reclining. The Heavenly Father again takes issue with this interpretation of events. He says, ‘If you look closely, you’ll see that I’m actually pointing just past Man and saying to him, look, your pants are over there, just behind you. I mean, I’m out with the cherubs and there’s some geezer stretched out on the grass with his tackle out.’
Adam’s pose has often been interpreted as a mirror image of God’s, reminding mankind that Adam was created in the image and likeness of God.
‘Bollocks,’ argues the Lord, ‘I don’t spend my days lolling about in the altogether, contemplating my navel. I think it’s quite telling that we aren’t actually touching in the picture. At the time, I hadn’t really settled on human beings as being first amongst all the beasts. If it hadn’t been for Eve, popping her head out and going, ‘Ooh, isn’t he gorgeous? What a hunk’, I’d probably have stuck with Plan A and given the planet to cats.’
God admits Michelangelo did get at least one thing right. The Lord is pictured sitting in a large pink shell resembling the human brain. ‘Worst car I ever owned,’ sighs the Almighty.