‘Are you a leg or breast man?’ debate threatens to tear apart Anglican Church

Fears of a schism within the Anglican Communion have been raised after senior clergymen failed to reconcile differences between ‘leg’ and ‘breast’ men during a recent meeting of the General Synod.

Leading the dissenters is ‘breast man’ the Bishop of Worcester, whose vocal condemnation of ‘leggy favouritism’ among the Anglican hierarchy has been making headlines in recent weeks. ‘Leg men are constantly being promoted over those of us who prefer our women a little bouncier’ he wrote recently. ‘Give me a low-cut blouse any day – mini skirts and such are all very well, but in my opinion being a leg man is one step up from being a foot fetishist.’

The cause of the breast camp has also been taken up by members of the African Communion, who have also levelled charges of unnatural predilections at their rivals after pro-gay campaigners publicly aired their support for the leg man faction. ‘Well, they would do, wouldn’t they?’ blasted the Archbishop and Primate of the Province of West Africa.

Archbishop of Canterbury Dr. Rowan Williams, who has found himself caught between the two mutually incompatible theologies, has called for calm and reconciliation, only to be condemned for failing to fully understand the complex issues that surround the argument: ‘I am neither a leg or a breast man,’ he told Radio 4 listeners, ‘although I am rather partial to the parson’s nose.’

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