Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has been unceremoniously gonged off while attempting to consummate his marriage to long term girlfriend Celia Walden. A trio of celebrity judges considered Morgan’s performance to be ‘self-congratulatory’, ‘self-satisfied’ and ‘too smarmy by half’ and he was dragged off before he could finish.
According to one onlooker Daily Telegraph columnist Walden remained conscious and composed throughout. ‘I suppose she‘s used to it by now,’ he says, ‘but it was like she’d been attacked by that green thing off Ghostbusters.’
Judges Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, Jennifer Ellison and former MP Margaret Beckett quickly reached agreement that this was one of the worst things they had ever witnessed. ‘I had to visit a farm during the foot-and-mouth outbreak and watch them slaughtering cattle,’ says Beckett. ‘I was ankle deep in cow guts and I’d still rather experience that on continuous loop than see Morgan drop his trousers and slither towards that bed for a second time.’
As he was being pulled away Morgan protested that he was just getting into his stride and was building to a huge climax. At which point, Ellison is seen to vomit into a Gucci bag. Llewelyn-Bowen was the first to go for his buzzer as soon as he realised Morgan was attempting docking.
‘He hit his button so hard the large red X above the bed exploded, ‘ says stage hand and fluffer Ted Moffatt. ‘Within seconds all three judges had hit their buzzers with the force of a thousand angry vuvuzelas. The problem was it didn’t look like Piers was in any mood to stop. In his mind, he was already in the semi-finals, if you know what I mean. It was like getting a slug off a lettuce.’
Morgan is now said to be in negotiation with US networks over the conjugal rights to his marriage. ‘This could be the legover I need to make it big in the States,’ he says. ‘I think I can go from making everyone love to hate me, to being the person who everyone hates to see making love.’