Following Argentina’s capitulation to Germany in the World Cup quarter-final, Diego Maradona has announced that he is quitting his destructive football habit and making an emotional return to his first love, cocaine.
‘As a small boy growing up in the barrio, all I wanted was the chance to escape the slums and break into the international coke scene,’ said Maradona today. ‘But despite a successful cocaine career, I found myself dabbling in football. When I retired from drugs I increasingly turned to football to fill the void, but it was never the same. There was always the empty feeling afterwards when the floodlights went out and I was alone.’
After a sordid fling with football, Maradona feels he can now look himself in the eye again – using the mirrored coffee table from which he hoovers up two-inch lines of Bolivian marching powder.