Danone announce discovery of ‘Digestifus Flirtius’, ‘Bifidus Jocularis'; others

they'll either help you, kill you, or wiggle away looking distant and aloof

In a development sure to send shockwaves through both the scientific and probiotic communities, research scientists from Danone, makers of Activia yoghurt and Actimel drink, today announced the discovery of several new types of bacteria that were neither friendly nor unfriendly, but often completely indifferent.

‘Everything we thought we knew about bacteria was wrong,’ announced Dr Stefan Pastiche, head of bacteria science at Danone’s R&D facility at Palaiseau, near Paris. ‘Tomorrow, we must all begin the task of rewriting the bacteria text-books.’

Until now, scholars have thought that bacteria were either ‘friendly’ like the ones in Yakult or ‘unfriendly’ like the germs on your chopping-board or toilet seat, but if the results of Danone’s five-year research project are verified, that was an oversimplification at best, and at worst, just plain wrong.

Danone’s research reveals that what we thought were simply ‘friendly’ bacteria, are in fact divided into ‘flirtatious bacteria’, ‘witty bacteria’ and ‘good-listener bacteria’, whereas ‘unfriendly’ bacteria are divided into ‘surly bacteria’, ‘snide bacteria’ and ‘fuck-your-wife-while-you’re-out-then-shit-in-your-bed bacteria’.

In addition, the research shows that there is a seventh type which does not easily fit into either the previous ‘friendly’ or ‘unfriendly’ group – the ‘couldn’t-give-a-shit-about-you-either-way bacteria’, which according to Dr Pastiche accounts for the vast majority of bacteria.

Dr Pastiche sums it up with, ‘In scientific terms, this is a paradigm shift as significant as the Copernicus solarcentric model or Darwin’s theory of evolution. Basically it’s not about us, and bacteria are not our mates.’

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Posted: Jul 7th, 2010 by

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