A report on the standard of teaching in schools has concluded that ‘much more must be done, like, to train teachers for thier job’s [sic] if Britain is not to slip further behind higher-performing countries such as Germany and Paris’.
‘We was gobsmacked,’ said Professor Gordon Rafferty, author of the report. ‘Only 20% of teachers were found to be performing well, while the other 90% were either ‘poor’ or ‘piss poor’. I did the maths myself, though my dad helped with the harder sums when he got home from the office.’
However, Brian Whitlow of the National Union of Teachers was critical of the report’s findings. ‘To speak of our schooling system with such disapprobation is a veritable effrontery,’ he insisted. ‘Our educational system is the ne plus ultra of the pedagogic world, and our teachers are beyond such pettifogging reproach. And I should know, because I is one.’