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Fluffer’s union loses fight against Viagra

everything's hardAfter nearly a decade in hiding, Jeff Vilbiss, the former leader of the American Fluffers Union, was today sentenced to a total of 22 years in prison for crimes he committed during his 6-month guerrilla campaign of pharmaterrorism against Viagra manufacturer Pfizer.

He began his campaign against the pharmaceutical behemoth in 2000, when Viagra use became widespread in the San Fernando Valley adult movie industry, resulting in massive job losses among fluffers, and which devastated the suburb of Santa Bona where so many of the fluffing community lived.

‘It was terrible,’ recalls former fluffer Bruno Weaver, sipping a coffee at the 69er Diner on Santa Bona’s now regenerated Main Street. ‘The whole town was affected. Some of these guys had been fluffing for generations. What else did they know? There were still a few jobs for lube-monkeys and wipe-down crews, but c’mon…these guys had some pride. They were fluffers!’

At first Vilbiss and the AFU membership sought to negotiate to keep Viagra out of the adult entertainment industry, but in the face of swelling enthusiasm for ‘Vitamin V’ among performers and studio bosses alike, their case just wouldn’t stand up. Most AFU fluffers were offered some compensation, but many felt that members had been palmed off.

‘We felt let down. Deflated,’ continued Bruno, as fellow patrons at the diner nodded in agreement. ‘The Union used to be a strong, upstanding pillar of this community. We brought the studio executives to their knees in ’87 over the rubber glove dispute, but this time there was nothing we could do. We were just tossed aside. Technology had made us obsolete, and it was difficult to swallow. We felt…impotent.’

It was then that Vilbiss and his supporters, who became known as ‘Puddites’, began their six-month campaign against Pfizer, trying in vain to hold back the march of progress. Smashing up laboratories, destroying stock and disrupting the distribution of the blue pill, for a time they caused significant problems for the drug giant. However, the movement lost its thrust when Vilbiss, with a string of arrest warrants to his name, went into hiding.

Since then, Santa Bona has risen again, stimulated by millions of dollars in government investment, and many fluffers have retrained to work at the nearby Large Hardon Collider, a research project investigating the theory of ‘high energy straight action’ and the opening of small black holes, which, with the help of Bruno and many other ex-fluffers, finally got turned on last month.

Jeff Vilbiss, on the other hand, will be twiddling his thumbs behind bars for a minimum 12 years a few miles down the road in California State Prison.

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Posted: Jul 25th, 2010 by Golgo13

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