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Daily Mail in turmoil as asylum seekers admit coming to UK mainly to read Daily Mail

immigrants naturally drawn to the fashion sectionDaily newspaper the Daily Mail has today been thrown into turmoil following the revelation that they have been unwittingly encouraging asylum seekers to come to Britain. A survey commissioned by the paper had sought to prove what their readers already knew, that asylum seekers were heading to the UK as it was a soft touch, but actually discovered that the main motivation for most migrants was their love for the Daily Mail.

One respondent told the survey the harrowing tale of her escape from genocide in Rwanda. ‘One night gunmen came to our village’ she said. ‘They murdered my husband and children, and I fled for my life, but I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel, as if I could get to England I would soon be reading Richard Littlejohn’s wonderful column every day, not to mention their excellent Femail section’.

Another failed asylum seeker said ‘I am due to be deported back to Iran soon, where I face almost certain death, but at least I’ve had a couple of months of Jan Moir’s column – it’s so good to see someone talking sense and attempting to maintain values in today’s fractured society. It’s made the three months I spent hiding in a cargo crate with a hundred other people with hardly any food or water all worthwhile.’

Many respondents spoke of their decision to travel to the UK rather than other European countries. ‘I had built myself a new life in France,’ said one, ‘but it just wasn’t enough. So I lived in a cardboard box in Sangatte for six months before smuggling myself to England underneath a lorry. Now my life is much better. The Daily Mail’s coverage of Lady Diana is really second to none. She may have died more than ten years ago, but that doesn’t stop the Mail. Plus I also get to learn how to avoid getting cancer.’

The paper’s editors now face a serious dilemma. ‘By rights we should be running the headline ‘Mail to Blame for Rocketing Asylum Numbers’ on our front page, but that would probably just confuse our readers’ confessed Editor Paul Dacre. ‘Alternatively we could close ourselves down, which would cut asylum numbers, which is at the end of the day all we ever wanted.’ However, they may be let off the hook by the ‘discovery’ by one of their reporters that living next door to a Muslim wearing a hoodie might cause cancer. ‘We’ll probably just run with that instead’ admitted Dacre.

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2010 by ianslat

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