The world of the conspiracy theorist is abuzz today, after the Illuminati, a race of reptilian aliens that have been secretly ruling the planet by masquerading as the world’s leaders, admitted that they are struggling to cope with the workload.
At a gathering at their annual seminar at the Bletchley Conference Centre, near Milton Keynes, senior Illuminati executives bemoaned the increasing pressure they are under to keep Humanity in check. ‘Nowadays diverting mankind’s attention from the fact that they’re being ruled by giant lizards isn’t easy – global warming, international terrorism, economic downturn – it’s not easy keeping all those balls in the air. Things were much simpler back in the good old days before privatisation – sacrifice a few people on top of a pyramid and everyone was happy. ‘
It is not only the higher echelons that are suffering, as the lizard leaders discovered during an open Q&A session with second tier managers. ‘Most of us don’t get home until at least nine o’clock at night,’ complained junior initiate King Albert II of Belgium, ‘by which time our brood have already gone to bed and my wife’s rodent casserole has gone cold. Our whole work/life balance is skewed, but when you complain to Inhuman Resources they don’t want to know.’
The Illuminati’s chief executive officer also came under fire for demanding that her underlings change their disguise every four or five years. ‘It’s one rule for senior reptiliods and another for the rest of us. They’ve been wearing the same Queen Elizabeth, Robert Mugabe or Bruce Forsyth costume for decades but I’ve got to pretend to be a completely different President of Canada once every five minutes just to keep David Icke from poking around – it just goes to show that democracy doesn’t work.’
In response to this criticism, Illuminati bosses have promised a root and branch review of all secret cabal working practices, to be carried out in conjunction with a major new efficiency drive, but junior managers remain unconvinced. ‘So basically I’ll have to manage Ecuador with less staff and a smaller budget,’ said one underling. ‘In hindsight we should’ve accepted the Pod People’s buyout offer during the 90’s – at least I’d have got a decent price for my shares. And why are they still sticking to that outmoded Zionist conspiracy corporate model? I haven’t had a decent bacon sandwich for bloody ages.’