A survey of Britain’s pubs, bars and nightclubs, carried out jointly by the University of Leicester’s Department of Sociology and Nuts! magazine, has revealed that thousands of perfectly healthy single men are being needlessly put down every week.
According to Dr. Alex Greensmith, team leader and an expert on human mating rituals, the average unattached male must suffer at least five or six put-downs every Friday night during their quest for a mate. ‘These poor creatures are compelled to roam in predatory circles around, for example, a nightclub, armed with only the flimsiest chat up lines. They simply don’t stand a chance against the barbed defences of the female of the species.’
‘Men just need to up their game,’ claims feminist historian Prof. Sheila McGee, ‘or else they’re simply proving themselves unworthy of our attention by their lack of eloquence.’ Prof. McGee is set to debate the issue with Dr. Greensmith at a forthcoming symposium at the annual social sciences conference: ‘I’m looking forward to the challenge immensely – but if he tries any of that ‘you must have a mirror in your knickers ‘cos I can see myself in them’ crap again, I shall retort with a robustly researched knee in the bollocks.’