‘If you are lucky enough to be born into privilege,’ said Prince Edward, the brains behind the original 1987 fundraiser, ‘then I think it’s beholden on you to try and give something back. Mummy really wants to give Fergie back, so fingers crossed we can raise enough to get her back on her feet and out of our hair for good.’
The evening’s entertainment will kick-off with a twist on the traditional greasy-pole challenge. Journalists from The Sun, The Mirror, The Mail and The Express will dress up as Arab sheikhs and attempt to gain access to Prince Andrew by running through a treacherous oil slick while attached to bungee ropes and delivering £500,000 in a briefcase to the Duchess of York. The opposing team can make things difficult for their rivals by playing their ‘Joker’ and sending Prince Philip to shout racist abuse at the sheikhs while pelting them with Duchy Original free-range eggs.
The next round is a water sports challenge called ‘She Had 10,000 Men’ in which American businessmen will attempt to suck Fergie’s toes as she reclines topless on a poolside sun lounger. However, the game is harder than it sounds as Prince Andrew, wearing his Navy uniform and cuckold’s ears, tries to save his ex-wife by firing a water-cannon from his inflatable dinghy and knocking her suitors into the pool.
Should the teams be level on points at the end of the evening, there will be a tiebreaker in which each must pick the odd one out from a line up of Prince Charles and Prince William, who look alike, and Prince Harry, who is ginger.
The winners will then complete a final challenge in which they play the Duchess’s accountants and must try to stave off bankruptcy as they are drenched with bucketfuls of payment demands and soaked from above by champagne spilt from a large glass being held by the Duchess. Veteran commentator Stuart Hall will be on hand to cackle hysterically at proceedings and when things start going horribly wrong, avid viewers will be eagerly awaiting his trademark catchphrase, ‘Here come the creditors!’
(Hat-tip to ramblesnake)