Colin Chalmers, voted Britain’s top traffic warden for his dedication to duty by working unpaid after normal hours, has revealed that the secret of his success is to combine his job with his favourite hobby – having sex with strangers.
‘I’m a people person,’ said Colin. ‘I love to meet people and I enjoy watching them, but I also like doing my public duty, so this is one way I can get to combine all that. The beauty of it is that if I’m stopped by the police they just think I’m doing a little extra-curricular ticketing, while in reality I’m ‘parking in a loading zone’.’
Customers and colleagues alike have been unanimous in their praise for Colin’s ‘can do’ attitude. ‘I thought it was a bit cheeky to issue me with a fixed-penalty notice for overstaying the meter immediately after double-teaming my wife with me,’ said Bob Partouse, 43. ‘But you have to admire the guy’s dedication to duty.’
Shirley Sanders, 30, from Surrey, was also cautiously admiring of Chalmers. ‘Yes, my tax disc had been dislodged and wasn’t displayed correctly, but to be fair, that was largely due to his arse rubbing on it while he joined us for a 6-way bukkake session in my Nissan Micra. Still, it’s good to see such a positive work ethic, and I certainly had egg on my face when he told me.’
Council boss Percy Renfrew was also fulsome in his praise. ‘In the last six months Colin has generated over £60,000 in penalty revenue. In fact the only thing that prevented him from breaking the record for the most parking tickets issued was the fact that all the stubs in his ticket book somehow got stuck together. I wish all the lads had the same attitude, but kids today just don’t have the stamina.’
However, Colin’s wife Maureen has responded with shock and surprise at the news of her husband’s night-time shenanigans. ‘This is the first time I’ve heard about this,’ she revealed. ‘I thought Colin was just another over-zealous traffic warden who was determined to enforce the council’s parking regulations to the letter. Instead I discover that he’s spending his time having dirty and sordid liaisons with people he doesn’t even know. I’ve never felt so relieved.’
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