The Home Secretary has heralded the return to traditional 1950s-style policing methods as ‘a major success’ after a local bobby smashed an international drug ring and gave their leader a ‘jolly good talking to’ and a ‘clip round the ear’.
‘I know how to deal with these young scallywags,’ said PC George Dixon, who single-handedly disarmed a gun-toting militia of South American drug dealers using only his warm, avuncular, moralising presence.
‘When I entered the drugs factory I immediately knew that these little rascals were up to no good,’ said PC Dixon, ‘I had strong words with all of them. And let me tell you, they won’t be doing that sort of thing again in a hurry.’
‘Normally an armed police unit would break down the door and pin me to the ground holding a gun to my head,’ said international drug baron Pablo Doritos, ‘but when PC Dixon turned up I knew that I was really in trouble. Yes, he gave me a cuff round the ear but it was no more than I deserved.’
PC Dixon is just one of many officers now being trained in traditional 1950s policing methods including the double knee bend, the ‘evening all’ and the ‘‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello. Now what’s all this then?’
‘These methods work,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘hardened criminals just don’t expect the police to stand there bobbing up and down with their hands behind their back. They find it very unnerving. Many of them give up straight away.’
In addition to his recent drugs haul, PC Dixon is also responsible for the apprehension of Britain’s most wanted serial killer, John ‘The Mutilator’ McTavish.
‘I came across McTavish in the woods while he was engaged in one of his ‘mutilations’,’ said PC Dixon, ‘so I told him: ‘Stop that at once you little scamp!’ He immediately dropped his hacksaw, made a full confession and told me where all the bodies were buried. I thought he was a good lad at heart so I let him off with a caution.’
The clear-up rate of PC Dixon has so impressed the government they are now pledged to have a 1950s-style policeman bobbing up and down on every street corner.
‘Of course there may be occasions when we need embrace more modern methods of policing,’ said the Home Secretary, ‘and in the event of a major terrorist incident I would have no hesitation in the tactical deployment of Juliet Bravo.’