Advertisings latest Gold Blend couple, BT’s ‘Adam and Jane’, are in crisis talks with media agency MediaVest after TV star Kris Marshall said he was having ‘second thoughts’ about his impending television wedding to Jane, played by Esther Hall.
Actor Kris, also known as ‘him off My Family’ has decided to postpone filming his marriage to ‘that MILF off the BT advert’ after a boozy night planning his stag weekend ended sourly with his best man telling him ‘don’t do it’. ‘I started reconsidering what I was doing just the other day after that little shit Lucy spilled the beans to her dad,’ he said. ‘She even invited him to the bloody wedding. There’s no way I’m getting married with that tosser and his ‘secretary’ criticising everything.’
‘Me and the guys have had some really deep chats after a few pints recently and it’s made me realise that Jane is probably a whole heap of trouble,’ said Kris. ‘Quite apart from the clearly rocky foundations to our relationship, my mates have pointed out to me that she’s already dumped some handsome, well-off bloke who clearly dotes on his daughter, just for being a bit of a workaholic.’
‘I can be a bit of a geek when it comes to broadband internet access – like the time I moved the microwave oven to a different mains socket and disconnected the entire extension wiring of the house to get a little bit of extra speed,’ explained Kris. ‘My best man Clive told me I can be a ‘boring knob’ and that Esther will probably just dump me in favour of a nice interesting CSA agreement once she’s used me as a live-in sperm donor.’
‘I just don’t know what to to,’ said the disheartened actor, ‘because she’s a really good shag, but I not sure if I can go through with a wedding just for the famous benefit of ‘guaranteed sex’ that getting married always brings. Pardon? They stop what? Conjugal? Oh my god…..get my agent on the phone! NOW!!!’