The campaign to get more mothers breastfeeding has been given a boost today with the news that Health Visitors are to carry firearms, and will be authorised to force mothers to breastfeed at gunpoint.
‘It’s good for everyone,’ explained Anne Milton, Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Public Health. ‘It’s good for the babies because they get breastfed. It’s good for the Health Visitors because they don’t have to spend so much time on persuasion any more. And it’s good for the mothers because they are saved the crushing guilt of seeing their sickly, malnourished offspring struggling through life with narry a hope of amounting to anything because their brains didn’t get enough vitamins in the first six months.’
Civil liberties groups have expressed concern about the use of firearms in a health advisory setting. A government spokesman said, ‘While we do understand the concerns some people have, the guns will have safety catches, and the ‘public benefit’ argument is overwhelming. It will mean less thick people in the country and, more importantly, less weedlings draining NHS resources, which we plan to make even smaller.’
The concerns of some campaigners have been allayed by a government pledge that guns will not be turned on babies who refuse to suckle. ‘The guns will only ever be used on recalcitrant adults,’ said a spokesperson. ‘If the babies knew what it meant to have a gun to their heads we’d probably consider it, but they don’t, so it would be pointless. We’ll restrict the use of guns to people who will be properly scared of them.’