The results show an increase in passes for the 28th year in a row, prompting many critics to argue that gang members are not getting fiercer, but tests are getting easier. One former gang member complained ‘can you believe that there is no longer any need to actually kill or maim a rival gang member for coming too near your corner in today’s initiation test for new drug dealers? All candidates need to do is glare menacingly at a pensioner whilst wearing a hoodie. These kids wouldn’t have got near an E in my day, let alone anything A class.’
Others have criticised the amount of coursework that counts towards candidates’ final grade. ‘It’s all too easy for candidates to get their parents to do their projects for them’ complained former Chief Inspector of Schools Chris Woodhead. ‘We’ve seen cases of dads mugging teenagers for their mobile phones, and elaborate gang graffiti tags clearly done by mums just to make sure their children get top marks in their coursework.’
Police across the country have also slammed the activities of the young gang initiates, ‘these kids spend too much time indoors playing violent desensitising computer games like Grand Theft Auto’, complained police inspector Kevin Jones, ‘they should be out in the fresh air, jacking motors in real life if they’re going to get anywhere in the banging game’.
The government has defended the results however, arguing that credit should be given to the hard work of students and gang mentors, and insisted that much of the criticism is driven by jealousy from old school villains. ‘Crime rates, particularly those involving knives and firearms, are going through the roof, showing current initiation tests are translating into tangible results,’ claimed a Home Office spokeswoman, ‘the price of knocked-off iPhones and BluRay players are at record lows in pubs and back streets across the country, and I’d just like to say well done to all our young gangstas, for contributing so much to the future of our country’s economy.’