‘The Death Star will be used for entirely peaceful purposes,’ he told journalists at a specially convened press conference, ‘The state of Israel – which will be within range in under five hours – has absolutely no reason to worry about our new novelty paperweight.’
The UN has reacted to the Death Star’s unveiling by sending its top man to ascertain the threat that such a monstrosity poses. ‘I intend to perform a thorough inspection,’ declared weapons inspector Hans Solo, ‘and I pledge to work alongside the UK’s newly-appointed special envoy to the region, Prescott the Hutt, despite the unfortunate matter of a few gambling debts.’
Surprisingly other nations have greeted the news with a calm level-headedness. From Washington, the US state department said that it saw no ‘proliferation risk’ from the planetoid, although it is rumoured that the Pentagon is planning on resurrecting an anti-missile strategy started in the 1980s by President Reagan. The UK also said that it had ‘always respected’ Iran’s right to a giant planet-killing space station – provided it was used purely for civilian purposes.
However Israel has condemned the move: ‘It is totally unacceptable that a country that so blatantly violates international treaties should enjoy the fruits of using nuclear energy in such a way,’ its Foreign Ministry said in a statement, before reminding Iran of the consequences of any action against Israel. ‘Remember – if you strike us down, we shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.’
With tensions in the area now reaching boiling point, many observers are drawing parallels with the Iraq war, which began following so-called intelligence that Saddam Hussein was actively building an Imperial class Star Destroyer. According to the diplomatic editor of The Times, world leaders should remember the words of weapons expert David Kelly, who later tragically committed suicide in a giant garbage compactor: ‘Those who refuse to learn from history are condemned to repeat it in a vastly inferior series of prequels.’
Insomnia, jp1885 and rickwestwell