Chelsea Pensioners show ‘best ever’ say organisers
This year’s show has been ‘the most successful ever’, according to Peter Holdsworth, organiser of the annual Chelsea Pensioners show.
Posted: Aug 17th, 2010
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Archive for August, 2010
Supply leader Nick Clegg fails to keep control as entire nation starts humming
In his first week running the country Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has suffered a major blow to his confidence as everyone in Britain began emitting a low frequency hum.
‘Look, I know exactly what you are doing,’ said Mr Clegg in a televised address to the nation, ‘Just because Mr Cameron is away, you think that you can start mucking around. Well, you’ve had your fun, now get back to work.’
Posted: Aug 16th, 2010
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Advertisement shock as Adam tells Jane ‘the wedding’s off’
Actor Kris, also known as ‘him off The Family’ has decided to postpone filming his marriage to ‘that MILF off the BT advert’ after a boozy night planning his stag weekend ended sourly with his best man telling him ‘don’t do it’.
Posted: Aug 16th, 2010
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Prisoners to be offered ‘shitty job that just covers mortgage’ sentence option
Offenders are to be offered an alternative to incarceration. Instead they can be sentenced to a shitty unrewarding job, with a bullying boss who takes out his self loathing on underlings, for a salary that just about covers their outgoings.
Posted: Aug 16th, 2010
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Return to 1950s-style policing as drug lord given ‘a good clip round the ear’
The Home Secretary has heralded the return to traditional 1950s-style policing methods as ‘a major success’ after a local bobby smashed an international drug ring and gave their leader a ‘jolly good talking to’ and a ‘clip round the ear’.
‘I know how to deal with these young scallywags,’ said PC George Dixon, who single-handedly disarmed a gun-toting militia of South American drug dealers using only his warm, avuncular, moralising presence.
‘When I entered the drugs factory I immediately knew that these little rascals were up to no good,’ said PC Dixon, ‘I had strong words with all of them. And let me tell you, they won’t be doing that sort of thing again in a hurry.’
Posted: Aug 15th, 2010
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