Consonants were all once part of one ‘giant super consonant’

vowels 'still expanding'

New research published last night claimed that all the consonants in use today were once joined together to form a single giant, unpronouncable consonant, surrounded by an enormous vowel.

Grammatologist Professor Theo Black of Cambridge University, who lead the research explained, ‘The alphabet of the distant past took a very different form compared to its present configuration. The super-consonant existed for millions of years, before individual consonants eventually broke off and drifted away to occupy their present locations. For example, while the letters ‘b’ and ‘z’ are found at opposite ends of the alphabet, new evidence clearly shows that they were once directly connected to each other. Scientists have also long suspected that the letter ‘r’ once curved over the letter ‘j’ before they were separated by some cataclysmic linguistic event; and now we have the proof.’

The theory of consonontal drift was first proposed during the 19th century after possible fossilized remains of proto-consonants were found during detailed exploration of the Welsh language. More recently, scientists have found evidence showing a linguistic hot-spot traversing the mid-Pacific that has left a trail of young, almost consonant-free languages in its wake. Another fault line may account for the number of Premiership footballers with no vowels in their name.

However scientists are still at a loss to account for certain aberrations – the only explanation that anyone can come up with for the bizarre German ‘β’ is that it must have arrived via a meteorite crash-landing somewhere in central Europe. The ancient Greek alphabet, it is believed, was an entirely human creation, invented by a particularly sadistic Victorian headmaster in order to torment public schoolboys.

An artist’s impression of the super-consonant ‘bcdfghjklmnpqrstvwxyz’ nicknamed ‘bryz’ was unveiled last night by ex-Countdown hostess Carol Vorderman.


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Posted: Sep 10th, 2010 by

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