Apple enthusiasts faced long queues last night to get their hands on the latest version of the I-pod shuffle, which is designed to be inserted deep into the buyer’s anus with a specially designed white probe.
Launching the product, Apple CEO Steve Jobs surprised the audience after walking on stage with the tell-tale white headphone cord clearly disappearing into his rectum. He then demonstrated how users could change tracks and adjust volume by clenching or flexing their buttocks in a series of easy-to-learn moves. ‘Just tense the right buttock for volume, and left to change the track’ he explained, his eyes watering slightly. ‘Staff at your local Apple Store will be happy to insert the product for you and provide any necessary aftercare. Once inserted, the device need never be removed – you can plug in the headphones or charger with only moderate discomfort.’
Apple stores up and down the country were packed with eager buyers, with the lucky few ambling out again with the telltale wider gait which has already been nicknamed the I-pod ‘shuffle’.
One early user complained that the controls on the new product made jogging with the device impossible. ‘Every time I took a step the track changed’ he complained. In response an Apple spokesman confirmed that users may need to adopt a wider stance while walking, running or sitting to avoid this.
Other reviews criticised the new product’s sharp edges and tendency to cause anal bleeding. But one veteran critic was unsurprised, claimed that Apple’s products ‘had always been a bleeding pain in the arse’.