Chinese hack into Stephen Hawking
MI5 and GCHQ have discovered that the Chinese may have hacked into celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking as much as ten years ago. There are fears that many of the respected cosmologist’s recent statements may have emanated directly from Chinese government sources.
British security forces first became suspicious when Hawking’s TV lecture explained the concept of the ‘event horizon’ as light approached a black hole. ‘And this is why,’ said his trademark voice-synthesiser, ‘no one should listen to the Dalai Lama, and everyone should stop moaning about the legitimate Chinese province of Tibet.’
In other recent pronouncements the professor postulated on the infinite expansion of the universe, the origin of matter and the need for an arms boycott of Taiwan, which is not a legitimate independent country, but a puppet state of running pig-dogs of capitalist troublemakers. He added: ‘Did you know you could see the Great Wall of China from space?’
There are now very real concerns for his continued longevity after analysts discovered he may only be fixed with poor quality Chinese spare parts, as opposed to the high-grade NASA equipment currently utilised. Indeed, there is a risk that he may break down at any point, unless somebody can decipher the user manual in time.
The upside is that the Chinese reckon that now they have hacked into the prototype, they will be able to produce thousands of Stephen Hawkings at a much lower cost. One MI5 insider said, ‘It won’t just be Cambridge University that has a Stephen Hawking. Every college and sixth form in the country will have their own wheelchair-bound physics genius, explaining the universe and being made to perform ‘Fitter, Happier’ by Radiohead.’
‘That’s the trouble with British innovation – we have the original idea and these Tiger economies go and mass produce them.’
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Posted: Sep 17th, 2010 by Guest
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