Research into new sustainable energy sources has found that the perpetually masticating jawbone of Manchester United boss, Alex Ferguson, could provide the annual energy needs of the county of Lincolnshire.
‘The centrifugal motion is powered by a renewable supply of Wrigley’s Extra,’ said Dr. Sheila Fogerty, ‘but the catalyst is the sight of overpaid, underachieving footballers making basic errors like giving the ball away in their own half or failing to track back quickly enough. If properly harnessed, we believe Alex Ferguson’s jaws could solve many of the world’s energy problems.’
But not all scientists agree. ‘Like many new technologies,’ said Professor Brian Williams, ‘it’s the noise and noxious emissions that put people off. Plus there’s no disputing it’s an eyesore – no one wants an Alex Ferguson built at the end of their garden.’