Fears were growing last night for a dwindling group of centre-left politicians, who have been trapped under an impenetrable layer of bullshit since mid-May. ‘We’ve made every feasible attempt to reach them, but suspect we may have lost them forever,’ said one party faithful. ‘This particular brand of Conservative bullshit is particularly tough to get through – it’s thick, noxious and threatens to leave them stinking for decades to come.’
Prime Minister David Cameron has apparently been informed of their plight and has promised to do everything in his power to help them ‘whoever they are’, personally dispatching a team from BP to take over the rescue.
The group are said to be in good spirits, apparently blissfully aware of the severity of their plight. ‘It’s sad really,’ said Dr Poppy Jones, the psychologist responsible for monitoring the group for any signs of depression, psychosis or personality. ‘They’re all sitting around, merrily chatting about increased government spending, social equality and electoral reform like it’s actually going to happen. But it’s important they keep their spirits up – after all, it can’t be fun sharing confined air space with Vince Cable.’
But behind the scenes, there is said to be increasing disillusionment with the group’s self-proclaimed leader, Nick Clegg. ‘It’s hard to place all your trust in a leader who still puts his hand up every time he wants to go to the toilet,’ said one trapped Lib Dem. ‘But replacing him isn’t going to be easy. We put it to the vote, but it’s still no clearer who’s in charge. Apparently we’re now governed by 18% Paul Burstow, 23% David Milliband and 59% the fit one from Destiny’s Child off Strictly Come Dancing.’