‘We need a leaner, less centralised MoD,’ said Defence Secretary Dr Liam Fox, ‘and the A-Team are the perfect replacement. We were committed to spending billions on Trident but these guys have already managed to build us an independent nuclear deterrent using a broken lawnmower, two cans of WD40 and a thighmaster they found in my garage.’
Dr Fox is understood to have got the idea after seeing an advert in the back of Guns & Ammo magazine: ‘If you have an unsustainable budget deficit, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The A-Team.’
‘We are delighted to be helping the British government tackle their deficit,’ said the new head of British Armed forces Lieutenant Colonel John ‘Hannibal’ Smith, adding, ‘I love it when a strategic defence review comes together.’
Lieutenant Templeton ‘Faceman’ Peck will handle weapons procurement; the new head of the RAF becomes Air Chief Marshal ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock; meanwhile B.A. Baracus will supply British troops in Afghanistan with essential supplies of milk and Snickers.
To save on costs, the MoD offices in Whitehall will be sold off and replaced by a specially adapted GMC Vandura van with a built in missile launcher that can be sent to trouble spots around the world.
The A-Team have already pledged to resolve the situation in Afghanistan by driving round the country at tremendous speed and blowing everything up. However, unlike previous invasions, they have promised to get things sorted in under an hour (with ad breaks) with miraculously no loss of life.
The team are expected to fly out to Kabul next week, or just as soon as they manage to persuade B.A. Baracus who is currently refusing to budge saying only, ‘I ain’t getting on no underfunded neo-imperialist campaign, fool. Or Easyjet.’
Shadow Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth criticised the government. ‘These guys are a bunch of mercenary criminals and one of them is certified insane,’ he said, ‘and the A-Team isn’t much better.’