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Comrade Miliband denies lurch to the left

beer and sandwiches, anyone?The Labour Party will not lurch to the left under Ed Miliband’s leadership, insisted the newly elected Leader of the Opposition during an impassioned speech outlining his plans to regain the political centre ground by listening to the concerns of all strata of society, focusing on the core message of New Labour values, and through a five year plan to increase coal and steel production.

‘Under my leadership, the Labour Party will quickly regain power and will work for all the people of Britain,’ he said, as a fleet of trucks arrived outside the conference in Manchester delivering emergency supplies of beer and sandwiches, ‘I pledge that when we return to government I will protect the NHS budget, increase the number of police officers, and double tractor output’.

‘There will be those who will accuse me of being in the thrall of the Unions,’ continued the new leader, as a shadowy group of rotund, polyester suited men gathered in the background, ‘But by re-nationalising the railways, the steel factories and British Airways, I will ensure that all productive workers receive a fair wage or an equivalent in air miles’.

Asked how he planned to handle bankers’ bonuses and reduce the budgetary deficit, Mr Miliband said that ‘the People’s Bank’ launched by Citizen Mandelson before the election would be reintroduced to assume control of all state and private finance, ‘especially mortgages’. He also insisted that those in the City had a key role and responsibility to participate in finding the solution to the complex macro-economic fiscal problems that had contributed to the current difficulties.

He then donned a donkey jacket and, flanked by two muscular agricultural workers stripped to the waist and waving red flags, unveiled a poster showing how by turning London’s Royal Parks into state run fruit and vegetable plots, he would render capitalist concepts of debt and private enterprise redundant, before leaving the stage accompanied by music from a Welsh miner’s choir, led by Billy Bragg.

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Posted: Sep 26th, 2010 by Peter74940

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