David Miliband has denied quitting front-line politics so that he can throw stuff at his younger brother from the back benches.
He strenuously denied that he had any resentment towards his brother. ‘I fully support my brother in everything he does and I’m sure that snot-face will make a great leader of the opposition’ he said whilst palming a pea-shooter to his wife.
He added ‘I’m also very excited about spending more time with my children and am really looking forward to them teaching me make better paper aeroplanes. I can’t wait to get some practice in.’
Outsiders remain sceptical, however, after several reports of frosty off-camera encounters between the brothers. According to one senior aide, David was spotted putting salt in Ed’s coffee and subjected him to a particularly brutal onslaught of humming during a party briefing.
Ed has however reached out to his brother despite his behaviour, saying ‘my door is always open for him. Or at least it will be until he starts doing what he is told and stops whispering ‘stinky knickers’ at Harriet Harman.’