The dissident Irish Republican movement, the Real IRA, has announced an immediate end to all terrorist activities after an army council meeting failed to come up with an answer to its own question of ‘who in their right mind would actually want to reunite with this piece of shoite in the South?’.
While pleased to hear of the end of the violent campaign, the Irish Government rejected the claims that the struggle for unification of the North with the financially crippled Republic ‘wasn’t even worth the cost of the petrol bombs’.
Finance minister Brian Lenihan maintained a string of recovery measures including increasing exports of Riverdance, getting Rutger Hauer back to do the Guinness ads, and encouraging tourism by asking Bono to stay in France for a while, would have the country back on its feet in no time. ‘This will ensure Ireland’s banks will once again be worth robbing, and those involved can easily carry on denying any involvement in criminal activity whatsoever’, insisted the minister.
The paramilitaries remained unconvinced, however. ‘A vision of a united Ireland, and its bigger market for drugs and protection rackets, and the associated sharp upturn in the demand for our legitimate business interests in crutches, has kept us going for many years and for what? The Pope doesn’t even bother visiting us, for Christ’s sake.’
Operations in the North are now being drawn to a close and the leadership of the terror outfit are planning a wholesale move overseas, where they plan to heat up once again the long-running sovereignty arguments around Greece and Cyprus. ‘I know, I know, their economy’s as knackered as the Irish one,’ said a Real IRA source, ‘but at least they get a bit of sunny weather over there and we can stop needing to wear these feckin’ balaclavas all the time.’