NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

‘Show us yer tits’ to no longer be considered acceptable office language

nothing left to bother turning up forMillions returned to their offices this morning to find that the government’s new Equality Act has successfully banned discrimination by employers and restored the unbroken tedium of working life.

‘This legislation is essential if workplaces are to become somewhere people tip-toe through, unable to say a word for fear of offending that big gay guy on reception,’ said Equalities Minister Theresa May. ‘It will now be frowned upon for bosses to slap and pinch the bottoms of female workers, wink lasciviously at temps and mock lady colleagues with large chests. It also means disabled workers and older employees can no longer be referred to as ‘wheelies’ and ‘dribblers’.’

The news has been met with dismay by balding, overweight male employers in their forties. ‘This is disastrous news for us,’ said Ron Pember, who runs his own engineering design firm in Wolverhampton. ‘We have quite a few birds working here, a couple of kids who are a bit special needsy and an Asian fella, so our daily routine pretty much revolves around unsolicited flirting, casual racism and outright abuse. This law is nothing less than an attack on the cultural foundations of the British workplace. I just hope this doesn’t mean we have to stop ripping the piss out of those two Polish blokes as well.’

Paul Plumber, a 26-year-old advertising executive from County Durham, was equally displeased. ‘I’ve been told I can no longer laugh along with a supplier or customer on the phone before replacing the handset, wiping the smile from my face and referring to them loudly as a wanker. I can’t believe it. Until now this has been the only thing stopping me from coming to work, putting a pistol in my mouth and cocking the hammer.’

The Act will also see the removal of the pay barrier discriminating against employees who were previously considered a bit shit, lazy or ugly, so long as they make a sufficient song and dance about it.

‘What about people like Helen, our deputy manager, who’s been off for a month with stress?’ complained Mary Cook, an office manager from Birmingham. ‘She’s been seen in Morrisons and at the bingo, right as ninepence, but we’ve been told she is to be referred to as a valued colleague in a pressure-cooker role, not a malingering cow.’

But despite the criticism, the government is adamant that changes are needed if equality in the workplace is to be achieved. ‘What everyone forgets is that none of this would be necessary if offices weren’t crammed full of such insensitive bastards. Only we can’t call them that anymore. They’re now Visibly Unreconstructed Employees.’

Share this story...

Send to a Friend:





Click to send this story to a friend

Posted: Oct 3rd, 2010 by Fin Robertson

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

Click for more stories about: Business