Using the latest anti-virus technology and a team of sniffer dogs, the Metropolitan Police Cold Case Unit has discovered that ‘that selfish bastard on the train the other morning’ almost certainly holds the key to solving the mystery of ‘Who brought that bloody cold into the house?’’
‘90.3% of cold infections can be traced back to people committing the offence of coughing without due care and attention,’ said Detective Superintendent Jack Davies. ‘These people have no consideration for others. They stand on the train snuffling and sneezing their filthy germs over everyone. And what really annoys me is that if I get a cold I have to keep coming to work because I’m so busy.’
Police have described the suspect as red-nosed, watery-eyed and having a pronounced sniff, but have warned the public not to approach him as he may be contagious.