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Cruise abandons Scientology in favour of Church of ELO

Actor Tom Cruise has dismayed former colleagues at the Church of Scientology after announcing his conversion to the Church of the Electric Light Orchestra.

Cruise’s new religion, founded earlier this year, is based around the music of the much loved seventies and early eighties light prog/pop crossover group. The sect has already gathered over fifteen million followers worldwide following heavy TV promotion of the compilation album, The ELO Collection.

The church’s teachings focus on the use of enticing, string-based classical sounds in a contemporary soft-rock setting. Believers argue that when the orchestral rock-fusion form is finally perfected by a reunion of the classic Lynne-Bevan-Kaminski based line up of the group, the giant ELO spaceship – first seen on the cover of 1977 album Out of the Blue – will descend carrying the faithful away to a paradise pop planet called Xanadu.

Regarding his high profile abandonment of Scientology, Cruise told the media ‘Oh shit!’yesterday, adding, ‘What was I thinking with all that science fiction cobblers? Seriously, Katie is going to kill me.’

Cruise is the latest in a long line of celebrities to renounce Scientology, which is now in danger of losing its capital letter. Those who have sought out the sacrament of ELO have repeatedly spoken about the relief they felt knowing their new religion was firmly based on a full canon of scripture along with clear articles of orthodoxy, as well as driving cello-based riffs.

therustler

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Posted: Oct 12th, 2010 by Guest

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