Supermarket giant Tesco have announced that they are only to allow pensioners to shop at peak times once they have proved their ability to negotiate its stores without irritating the hell out of other shoppers. ‘It’s not that we don’t want elderly customers,’ a Tesco spokesperson revealed ‘but we are a thrusting globe-straddling colossus these days, so why should we allow our stores to be clogged up by a bunch of senior citizens shuffling around?’
The initiative comes after focus groups showed that busy shoppers lose up to 10 minutes per visit stuck behind old people stopping without warning in aisles, forgetting pin numbers or counting out an entire payment worth of coppers at tills.
The test will include a simulated walk around a store, where OAPs will be tested on trolley steering and whether they can resist blocking the aisles for 20 minutes whilst talking to Jean from the Mothers’ Union.
Those who are successful will be awarded a ‘Pensioner Plus’ card allowing them access during all opening hours. The unlucky remainder will be allowed in store between 6.30 and 7.30am only.
The decision has sparked outrage from Age Concern who claim that limited shopping hours will prevent the elderly from participating in their daily exercise regime: ‘markdown madness’ at the discount aisle. He added that they may take the supermarket chain to court, claiming that ‘half price haslett is a basic human right.’