The middle classes of Britain have today gone into shock after revelations that their favourite radio station, BBC Radio 4, has been secretly dumping thousands of tons of smugness into rivers and lakes all over the country.
“It turns out Radio 4’s presenters and guests between them were producing such vast quantities of smugness that they simply couldn’t pump it all out over the airwaves,” explained DEFRA spokesman Danny Coffee, who is leading efforts to uncover full details of what some are calling ‘The worst environmental crime since Bill Oddie.’
“We’re not sure how long this has been going on,” he added “It seems that it has been impossible for standard FM and DAB transmission facilities to fully disperse the levels of self-satisfaction generated by the likes of Melvyn Bragg discussing bloody Kierkegaard with a bunch of tosspot academics at nine o’clock in the morning. Something had to give.”
“Clearly BBC technicians have been trying to sluice off some of the slappable self-satisfaction, passing it onto listeners, using ploys like ‘Weekend Woman’s Hour’ and regular Front Row podcasts, but this is clearly not enough to disperse the backlog. Only last week we found 73 parts per million ‘Jenni Murray discussing alopecia’ in the Wye – there’s no way that stickelbacks and pike are gong to survive with levels like this.”
Mike Damazer, head of programming for Radio 4 has admitted that they have been dealing with “Unusually high levels of producer/presenter gratification” following the introduction of A History of the World in 100 Objects onto the schedule. “I’m sure we would all agree: the demise of a few species of inedible freshwater fish and algae is a small price to pay for us being right about everything. And by ‘right’ I mean ‘well-balanced’. It’s the same thing if you don’t think about it too much.”