Dwayne Cooney, a toilet attendant at the Blue Planet Aquarium in Ellesmere Port, unexpectedly announced he is to remain with the organisation for another five years just days after slamming the facilities’ ownership for a lack of ambition and unwillingness to invest in new cleaning talent.
‘When I signed on we were looking at upgrading the hand dryers to those posh Dyson ones, and all those mysterious holes in the cubicle walls were going to be fixed as we pursued inclusion in Europe’s best maintained tourist conveniences, but now apparently the money’s not there’ complained the 34-year-old lavatory cleaner, ‘I took the job because I wanted to win things, but this year we didn’t even enter Britain’s tidiest toilet competition.’
Cooney, who receives the full minimum wage, had also complained that he had been doing the job of two people for no extra reward since the departure of fellow cleaner Pedro left him starved of service. Meanwhile other similar facilities are awash with funds. ‘I’ve heard the toilets at Chester Zoo are second-to-none,’ said Cooney ‘And I’d love the chance to work with some of their big name cleaning products. I know for a fact they’re showing serious interest in Cillit Bang. And consider that they’ve already got Toilet Duck nipping in to those hard to defend areas, Domestos leading the line. The sky’s the limit for them when it comes to killing all know germs – dead. ‘
Now however, he has had an unexpected change of heart and renewed his commitment to the aquarium. ‘It was never about money,’ he insisted, ‘although I do appreciate the new clause in my contract entitling me to take home all the toilet roll I need every week. It’s really that I’m now convinced that me and the management share a vision for where this toilet is going. I’m looking forward to working with the new work experience kid too, and helping mentor the next generation of Ellesmere Aquarium public lavatory attendant greats.’
Cooney denied the u-turn was forced by a realisation that his prospects of picking up a glamorous transfer had been stymied by recent poor form with a toilet brush over the summer holidays, or that local newspaper reports of a sex scandal captured on the aquarium’s CCTV system had left him with nowhere else to turn.
‘The boy just realised how lucky he is to be attending to the lavatories in such a historical tourist destination, and it’s no business of mine what he does with his spare time away from the cubicles’ confirmed his line manager Fergus Anderson, ‘although it’s nice to finally know why Donnie the Dolphin always has such a big smile on his face.’